Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
