I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
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