Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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