I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
what day is it and did you see me today?
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
Acid is not a monday night drug
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Randomize
