I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
