i think i have two assholes
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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