The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
then he tried to convert me to islam
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Pooping to opera.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
