im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
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