I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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