mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
