the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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