I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
