He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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