I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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