My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Randomize
