I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
