nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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