p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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