so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
