so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
