You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
