Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
These tits shall not be calmed
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
