It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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