my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
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