im six kinds of drunk right now
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Send help, water and tortillas.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
They have beer where we have blood.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Randomize
