somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
