I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
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