if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Randomize
