Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize
