Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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