What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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