Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
