Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
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