I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Shitshow foam night was such a success
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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