never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
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