I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
