watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
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