He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Randomize
