Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
