My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Randomize
