True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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