I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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