I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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