This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
