He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
