if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE