Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Randomize
