Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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