Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
