so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
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