my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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