This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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