You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Randomize
