Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Randomize
