Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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